Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
