he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
