My Higher Power is John Stamos
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
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