you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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