I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
