As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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