she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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