If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
