hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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