sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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