All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
