A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
