fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
