Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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