I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Randomize
