My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
