Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
