The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
So vagazzling was a success
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
