Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
