I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
