you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
