I can text with my tongue
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I said "one day" and that day is not today
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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