Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
