also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i would punch a child for taco bell
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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