So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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