It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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