I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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