When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
