If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
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Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
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So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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