there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
