so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
