it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
