I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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