i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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