She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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