How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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