I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize