i'm lost and i look like a hooker
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
