woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
