I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
