Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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