I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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