So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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