She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
