I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
