I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
