can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
