hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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