Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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