im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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