I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
