I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
