Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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