my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
