just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
