allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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