I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
wrigley field is MILF paradise
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
