Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
