I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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