believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
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The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
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I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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